October 26, 2018

Getting back to “normal”, when your normal has forever been altered is such a struggle. You know there are things you must keep doing, keep waking up and getting up for, but you do it robotically. Your emotions have been muted and you feel very little. Its a go through the motions process. Do what you have to do, to get to the part of the day when you can stop pretending like everything is ok. When you can shut yourself away and ask the world to leave you alone. Some days you wake up and you know right away that you will struggle to cope. You want to cancel everything. All plans, all obligations, all conversations. You don’t want to see anyone, or talk to anyone. You want the world to fu#k right off. You’ve lost your Dad and nothing will ever be the same. Its a maddening anger and a debilitating sadness all wrapped up in a big shitty bow of unfairness. But your not just a daughter who’s lost her Dad, you’re also a mother, and as a mother you show up for your kids. You show up and you do the job as best you can despite the pain, to try to preserve their “normal”.

Its been hard to pick up my camera again. Hard to capture the boys as they go about their little life adventures, cos the whole time I’m aware that I won’t be texting these captured photos, or short videos to my Dad. And that reality is devastating.

Keane and Cullen taking their annual trip to The Pumpkin Farm with their good friends, Ella and Henry.

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